November 7, 2024

When Pain Becomes Identity: How ‘Woundology’ Keeps Us Stuck

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I have always had a hard time holding space for people who use victim-based language. This is not to be confused with people sharing their pain or suffering or the very real stage of healing where we require our pain and stories to be witnessed and validated… I mean the people who talk about how the world happens “to” them… who are stuck in their pain and suffering. They are perpetual victims of the world and always see the way life and people have let them down… it’s almost as if they’re addicted to it… (more on that below.)

The reason it bothers me is because it’s often used as a way to unconsciously garner empathy. It’s a manipulative way of communicating to “hook” into others. We learn that communicating from our wounds creates a form of power over others. “I’m more wounded than you.” “I’ve been through more than you.” “I’ve suffered more than you.”

Often, we use it as a way to justify our stuckness. We can’t heal the pain because we’re benefiting from living in it. This, of course, sounds like a twisted mind-fuck. “So I live in my wounds and my suffering because I get something from it?”

Yep. And maybe that something is perceived safety… maybe I get to push people away because I overshare and sabotage closeness and vulnerability.

It’s wild because the language presents as powerlessness, yet it is an inverse way of sourcing power. It tries to create a perceived hierarchy where it places others seemingly “above” us, yet we are, through the use of language, actually moving the chess pieces above, acting as if we don’t even have any pieces still left on the board. 

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