Ever notice this BS?
You spend months—maybe years—asking for what you need in a relationship. You communicate. You explain. You plead. Nothing changes.
Then the moment you say “I’m done” and actually mean it…
Suddenly they’re blowing up your phone. Suddenly they’re making all the promises you’ve been begging to hear for years. Suddenly they’re capable of the exact behaviour you’ve been asking for all along.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Recently someone asked me this exact question:
“Why do guys wait until you say I’m done before they actually show up? I’ve been in a very on and off relationship for three years, and I finally tried setting boundaries and said, I’m done with the back and forth. And now that I’ve stopped responding, he’s blowing up my motherfucking phone, apologizing, saying all the things I’ve been mentioning, asking for in our relationship. And I’m terrified that it’s just another back and forth effort on his part to keep us stuck. How do I know whether it’s real?”
Let’s talk about what’s really happening here:
The Dance of Ambivalence
You’re in a relationship with someone who’s ambivalent. They’re unsure. They’re back and forth.
But here’s the massive accountability moment: So are you.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s on and off, you’re on and off, too.
This person could write me the exact same thing: “They finally shut down. Why do I now want them?”
Is this change they’re preaching about going to be sustained? Probably not, but it’s possible.
Why? Because what’s happening is a shift in the entire relational dynamic. For maybe the first time, you’re not playing your usual role in this frustrating dance.
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