I recently did an MDMA and psilocybin journey with Mike Zeller. I’ve recorded a podcast with him on it, and will record a solo episode as well to walk you more thoroughly through my experience… but first, let me tell you, it was one of the most profound experiences I have ever had.
It involved doing internal family systems (IFS) and parts work while journeying on the medicine… and ohhhhh damn, was it ever healing and expansive.
My heart is open. I can feel myself really coming back into a regulated state.
And I write this to you with one intention — to apologize for my heart and soul leaving my business and my work for a bit. There’s been pieces of my heart… but I haven’t been able to bring ALL OF ME to my work… well, because I have been a dysregulated mess. I haven’t been in the descent for a long time… cooking, as Francis Weller would say.
I have been in survival. I have been stuck in a freeze state. I have had so many parts (IFS language) in conflict… the desire to speak my truth, the desire to protect myself, my safety and security, the desire to show up for you, the desire to teach and help and support and love others, the desire to provide for a family…. And for the last four years, so many of these different parts were in conflict…
I was wondering why I’ve been so indecisive, lacking direction, and uncertain about so many things. I’ve felt anxious, afraid, bold, started to move forward, then taken steps back, then frozen in the same place… again. I’ve been frustrated with myself, and my creativity…. All of it.
I had to leave Instagram because I didn’t have the nervous system capacity to manage it too. I can see all the ways it hooked in, and I also now see that I was playing out some of my childhood wounds with it. I needed to leave it to find this moment. To find myself, with Mike. To meet you here, in these words.
I know you’ve likely felt this “freeze” from me… because I feel like I had the same conversation so many times.
And I have compassion for that… compassion for what I was navigating… compassion for how each one of these parts of me was trying to both be heard, create safety, and make sure I didn’t burn my life to the ground. I have so much love for each and every part.
The work I do in the area of relationships and love is so very important to me. You are important to me. The mission I have in the world with Create The Love is important… and yet, there is another part of me that now needs to be differentiated, to have his own space to self-express and speak what is true for him… He’s always been there, I just haven’t listened until I’ve HAD TO listen. Sound familiar for you too? Do you have a part inside there who you only let express when you can’t take any more?
I call this part of me: “Zero Fucks Mark.” When I accessed him on the medicine he had a lot to say… angry that I’ve stifled his expression my whole life. Angry that I hadn’t listened to him until I’ve had to listen to him. He said to me, “If you listened to me sooner in every moment in our life that I have spoken, I would’ve saved us so much pain. Give me a microphone and a seat at the table or I will make you have to. If you don’t, I will speak and it will not come out with grace.”
Well, another part of me is “Too Many Fucks Mark” — the Mark who cares too much about what people think and is concerned about offending people. This part has censored Zero Fucks Mark. No bueno as you can imagine.
Zero Fucks is the one who told me to get into integrity when I was drinking too much and having too many casual relationships. He’s the one who has called me forward. He’s the one who told me to start CTL. He’s the little voice that is guiding me. He’s what senses misdirection and a lack of alignment. I need him… and I’ve been afraid of him. Afraid of his power. Afraid of him disrupting relationships and possibilities.
We need that version of ourselves that is inside all of us.
It’s the part that knows the boundary is needed. It’s the part that says, NO MORE. It’s the part that calls you to your purpose. It’s soul.
The truth is, I have given too many fucks at times, and not enough at others. These two parts have been in conflict — one yelling, and then the other seeking to pick up the pieces and repair… But the reality is, that these two parts need each other. Zero Fucks Mark needs the grace and discernment of my empathic, people-pleasing Too Many Fucks Mark… and Too Many Fucks Mark needs the bold and courageous voice of Zero Fucks Mark.
We all need all the parts of ourselves. They all deserve a seat at the table, but they don’t all need to drive the car.
So now I’m driving… and 2025 is all about giving the right fucks about the right things, and really allowing this session to integrate and see where it takes me. What I do know is that Create The Love is going to another level… and so is Mark Groves.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for walking alongside me. And thanks for sticking through it all with me. I know we’ve all been through a lot, and I hope that this post both expresses how much I appreciate you, and perhaps offers you a window into your own experience and why you may feel stuck, confused, and not able to move forward with ease.
Much love,
Mark
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