You meet someone amazing.
You’re starting to get some twinkles in your heart and your loins.
Things feel good. Maybe too good…
And then, like clockwork, you start shit up.
Creating problems out of nothing. Testing them. Pushing their buttons to see if they’ll stick around.
What the hellllllllllll is that about?
In a recent Q&A, someone asked me a question that hit close to home for a lot of people:
“I met someone amazing. In fact, things are going so well that I’m actually starting to cause problems out of nothing. I’m starting to stir some shit up… It’s as if I can’t accept that I’ve met someone genuine. So I’m creating drama and chaos, like a test to see if they’ll leave. I know this is a pattern for me, and I know I need to stop, but I don’t notice I’m doing it until it’s too late. Now I’m panicked because I think they really will leave. Help.”
Anybody feel seen right now?
This isn’t just about being self-destructive… that’s shame trying to rear its ugly head…It’s about something much deeper.
Your Survival Strategy is Showing
Let’s talk about why this happens:
If your parents connected with you through criticism — if the way they showed “love” was by stirring shit up — then of course you learned that connection happens through conflict.
It’s familiar. It’s home.
But here’s the more painful truth: there’s an unconscious belief living inside you that says you’re not worthy of a good person.
This belief causes you to push good people away because, deep down, you’re afraid they’ll discover that you’re messed up and flawed… That something’s wrong with you. And if someone really good does like you and choose you, you might wonder, “What’s wrong with them that they like you?!”
What’s your unconscious response to this fear?
“We might as well just destroy it now before it destroys us.”
It’s twisted, but it makes perfect sense. Your unconscious mind is trying to protect you from getting hurt by recreating hurt you can handle.
Let that sink in.
Your mind would rather create a familiar painful situation that you know how to navigate than risk the unknown territory of deeper connection.
Because to the nervous system:
Different = dangerous.
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