I want to ask you something you might not have considered before:
What if it’s not your attachment style that is running the show… but your nervous system that’s overwhelmed?
What if the chase, the emotional rollercoasters, the confusing pull toward people who can’t give you what you need—isn’t just a fluke, but a survival pattern?
Because here’s the truth: Your nervous system is choosing your partners long before your logic is.
When you’ve been through trauma—whether it’s a messy breakup, emotionally unavailable parents, childhood neglect, or betrayal—your nervous system learns to survive relationships, not thrive in them.
And then you start dating. And everything gets loud.
That twinge of panic when they don’t text back.
The overanalysis of a reply.
The immediate attachment after one date.
The urge to run, shut down, or grab your phone just to escape the intensity of it all.
It’s not just anxiety—it’s your body saying, “I’ve been here before, and it didn’t end well.”
Why does this matter in dating? When your nervous system is dysregulated, you’re not choosing from clarity—you’re choosing from protection. You’re not drawn to what’s healthy—you’re drawn to what’s familiar. And familiar, for many of us, is inconsistent love. Emotional unavailability. High highs and crushing lows.
We confuse attraction for alignment. We confuse anxiety for chemistry. We confuse trauma bonds for love. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
The more you learn to regulate your nervous system—to actually feel safe in your body and with others—the more you will choose partners who feel safe, too. This is the inner work no one talks about.
Regulation doesn’t mean you don’t get triggered. It means you notice the trigger, ride the wave, and come back to yourself with grace.
It means:
- You get a text and feel that dopamine spike—but don’t spiral into obsession.
- You’re ghosted—and instead of collapsing, you feel the grief and move through it
- You feel attraction—but pause long enough to ask: Is this a yes from wholeness, or a yes from my wound.
- You get to say no without guilt. You get to wait before saying yes. You get to take your time, because you’re not afraid love will leave if you do.
Regulation is the space between the trigger and the response. It’s the power to pause. It’s where your wisdom lives. And it’s what allows you to choose love instead of chase it.
Explore these sentence stems. Let your nervous system speak – with the first thing that comes to mind..
- When I date from dysregulation, I tend to ___
- The part of dating that feels most activating for me is ___
- I know I’m dysregulated when ___
- A moment I felt truly safe and connected in my body was ___
- If my nervous system could speak, it would say ___
- I feel most powerful in dating when I ___
Dating isn’t just about who you choose—it’s about how you feel when you choose them. And that begins in your body.
I want to give you a helpful guide to help you keep exploring this. Go here to get my guide: “6 Ways to Heal your Attachment Style with Your Nervous System Right Now.”
You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not asking for too much. You’re just used to dysregulation. But now, you get to choose from peace. From presence. From power.
And that changes everything.
You are so worthy of receiving the love you crave.
Much love,
Mark
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